he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
