I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
