Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
