Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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