there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
