I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
