just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
