Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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