Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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