i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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