Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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