I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
