am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
