So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
