Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
