Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
