If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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