She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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