remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
