I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Boobs speak an international language.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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