One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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