Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
