sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
