I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
