Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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