if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
