hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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