We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
