I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
