i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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