Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
