You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
