I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
