Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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