Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
