I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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