oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
