Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
All the doctor said was why
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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