she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
