Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
