my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
