you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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