Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
