I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
