I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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