P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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