If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
