I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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