Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
