Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
