why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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