I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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