we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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