oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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