I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
