Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
