i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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