I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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